February 20, 2025. One month later. For some, the past month has felt like a year. Are you sensing this stretching out of the passage of time? If one month now equals a year in some sense of waking life, the question is: are you aging more rapidly? Has the space-time continuum been bent, folded, scrunched-up, spun around, made you dizzy, disoriented? Can this stretching, bizarre new temporal glitchiness sense of exaggerated forward momentum be brought back into its astrophysical factuality that dictates only 24 hours per day are–still–all that is lost since the day before? It must be illusory, right? It has only been one month since January 20, 2025. Not one year.

Should you be unable to feel that each day is still only 24 hours long, then you need to book a trip with Einstein’s Time Dilation vacation service. It is guaranteed that by the time your trip is complete, you will have gotten more than the last month’s sense of expanded, unpleasant time back feeling much younger than those that didn’t go on the trip with you. But buckle up, pilgrim, because Albert’s space travel isn’t a slow-poke operation. Oh, it will be a long round-trip gig, but the payoff of its thrill ride will be boosted by what greets you when you get back home. The deluxe package of Time Dilation will have you traveling at 99% of the speed of light for five years–2.5 out and 2.5 back! But not to worry about the aging process running its course during that time. Oh, you will age. However, while you age 5 years, all your fellow earth-bound humans, be they total strangers or close family members, will have aged many years more than you!

Your complimentary Einstein Time Dilation wrist watch will be ticking away more slowly than any of those Fitbits or Rolexes strapped on those trendy wrists back home. You, the commercial, pay-to-play astronaut, would be aging slower in space than if you were back on earth, in your quotidian funk, walking the dog, or cursing the news of the day, or occupying your personal barstool at Clancy’s saloon trying to numb out.

Oaky, you age 5 years (sounds long but, but the spacecraft has all sorts of amenities, entertainments, spas, a casino, top shelf hootch and a very attentive staff) but those on earth age much more. How? Do the math: okay, here’s the math, minus the actual equations used to reach the answer: You come back five years older (and with the complimentary, space-aged advanced anti-aging creams doing their thing you might not notice much of a difference) but those circumstances back home and the people making those circumstance making one month feel like one year will have all aged THIRTY-SIX YEARS!

And while you may not return able to see all of your family or friends, guess who will for damn sure be long dead? Right. The guy who was making you feel like time standing still but in the worst possible way. Okay, then. There you have it. Einstein’s Time Dilation space cruise service can guarantee the current cause of your malaise, angst, anxiety of 2025 will be long gone. Decades ago having disappeared in the rear-view mirror of life.

What it won’t guarantee, however, is what will be in place in 2071 when you return. But again. That one very particular person (and many many others in league with him who have been making 2025 so difficult) will be history. Caput! And what are the odds that 2071 could be worse? Hmm. Fast and Furious, part 33? SNL having its 86th year special, more lame than ever? A younger generation of the Kardashian, more vapid and annoying than ever? All land masses and bodies of water now the sole property of the United Nations of America? Or maybe just nuclear ash? Hey, but barring the radioactive wasteland scenario, think of the excitement of your now still-living 87 year-old “besties” you left behind seeing the now, barely aged, 39 year old you!

You’ll be so popular and envied. And with so many air miles on your account! And with any luck, one month will once again simply last just one month long. Book now, and beat the rush. And the clock.

You’re welcome!