Red, White & Not Too Bright; Shutdown edition

Geeze maw,  itz be being colder than a well digger’s ass in Janawary out deres! Is we be gunna be ables to get to Wazoo fur some viddles to eats later? I be hungered enuf to eat a skunks ass wits no salt!

Wazoo?! How we be gonna ables to gets to Wazoo when yo paw gots the truck way downs in Humpter, where he viztin his granny to gets us some money to pay fo ourins lectric befo we getsin ourin lectric cut off? Then wez all be being colder than brass balls on a monkey.  Evers since yo paw been let go from his deliverins job for dat biggin parts compny dat helps wit the tractor sales we gots nuttin to pays for nuttin wit.

Dams maw. Paw done sed that he be back workin in a few daze when this shutsdown be being beginnin but herez we beze still shutsdown cuz paw be shutsdown cuz dem commies dats got lected donts wants to pertek ourin cuntry from dems terrinrizors and dope selling cartwells.  We dun ourin bestins to keeps ourins guy runnins the cuntry but them commies gots enuf dummy dums to votes fur em and now we gots being shutdowns and freezing cuz paw gots no job cuz, cuz, uh, cuz, cuz… why be that agins, maw?

Billy Ray Bob Joe I dunes esplaned it to yous how many time?! Cuz yo paw deliverins parts fur the tractor maker, but dat cumpny contracktin wits the guvment and the guvment not opens for bizness cuz it be being shutsdown cuz we needin dat wall to keep them killers and rapesters outin our cuntry but them new lected commies aint be wantin to givin ourin guy no monies to built a wall. So yo paw gots no work and no work meainin no monies and no monies mean we gots less fiddles to eat and now ourin lectric bouts to be being shutsdown too.

Aw, maw. It aints no fairs. Why so many dem commies be being ables to mess up we po peoples? Things wuz bein darn good til dat lectsin done happen, and now we gots to freeze ourin asses and paw gots to try and get some monies from gramma Sally Mae.  

Bob Joe Billy Ray Bubba, yuze and me noze it not be being fair, but dis be a lessen on we gots  to be pulls togetherin agin dem commies dats hate our cuntry. Our guy he be doin right and we be right by usins nots givens up. He be tellin dem commies dat no wall mean no govment, and shuitsdown gonna stay shutdown til he gets what be rights. Yous and mes and paws just gots ta be being willin to sacfrise and make do wit what we can make do. Dem commies see he and all we peoples who be being beleavin in him gunna be okay cuz ourin guy he be too smarts fur em.

Yourins be being right maw. But still, I be hungerin for some viddles and paw now ways be off in Humpter. Hopes he gets back soons. Wit some monies from granny so we can keeps ourin lectric on. But we gunna be rights maw, rights maw? Whens dis be being overs and the guvment be opens agins we be gettins dat wall and them terriors and cartwell dope killers be keepin from gettins here we be thankins ourins guy and how he done always be being a fights for us little folks. We no dummies. We stickin wit our guy.

You can be sayin dat agains, Bob Billy Bubbas Ray Joe. Now gets yo ass outsides an fetch me some kindlin for the stove paw dun brung from that scraps metals dump down by Fiddlesville yesserday. He say it lookin funkshinin enuf to heats up our place. We cants afords dat lectric heater no mo. Govment be opens soon. Maybe tomarra!

Yo bets maw! We duzzin ourin parts to makes did cuntry greats agin! I gets some kindlins now. Where be dat blankee? And my rebel boots? Oh, and gots to covers up my head for dam sures. Where’s be my bests baseball cap? Dat red ones? MAGA! Yeah, dats be being the best cap I ever done be had. Offins I go. But it sho be colder out deres than my Elliedeen’s heart. Dat woman can be stubborns too. But not good stubborns like ourins guy. 

Be caretakins out therin Joe Bubbas Ray Billy Joe Bob. Might be some commies creepins bouts, ya knows…







About jharrin4

mass communication/speech instructor at College of DuPage and Triton College in suburban Chicago. Army veteran of the Viet Nam era.
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