A Day at the Races

Hot diggity damn, maw, paw, it be the bestest of days cuz we be gots the Daytoner five hunnerts to watches! It be mighty fines we gots be sittins at the bar heres at Dixie’s Suther Fry Eats and Drinks Caffay. We kins viddy the race and cheer on our bestest driver, Earl Ray McCoy in dat nifty red Chevy. Charlotte dun gots a new 32 incher on tops the ol beers cooler. It be ways better en dat old jap 27 incher. This ones being a Motorsrollers what done be made here in the bestest countree anywherze. Least ways dats what I done be heard bouts Motorrollin tvs. Soun les jappy anyways.

Joe Ray Tucker Bob, members we gots to shares one jumbos pile of wingy dingy hot nuggets en makes it lastin no matters if dis race be going fo hours and hours. Yo paw and mes gonna haves a buckets of suds or twos, and yous can be have a sips or tree but yous caint be gettins all suds up cuz you be being our desagratin driver, whens we goes back to Bufurds Crik cuz yo knows how paw and mes like our Sunday suds, espeshules on Daytons racin day.

Aw, maw, I kins handles my beer. It be aints no big dealin handlins paws picks up truck, evens iffins the clutches be offs a just a slites bit. Say, maw, wher be done paw go? Racin bouts commecin.

He dun went outs back with Bubba Carl to havins a smoke. Dam shames smokes be outdooze or nuttin deze day cuzzin them commie gettin they undies in notz bout seven hand smokes hutins dems dat donts be being watin to smokes. Thems da ones should be gots to get theys asses outsides if they not likins we smokins type. Tabakee be legal, rights? So, who them coomie do gooders to gets aways wits makin smokin folks stands in the elments to get theys smokes on?

Rits you be, maw. Maybes ourin guy say if peeeples likins us wants to smoke, we kin smokes wheres we pleezes. If he kin get dat wall, he kin do anythin he be pleazin I sez.

Ray Bob Joe Billy, ourins guy guns da makins ourins countrees the bestest agins. Wunner if he be bein at Daytoner. Nazcarts fans all likin ourin guy. I bets iffins ourins guy be a racin cart driver he be the best. I means, kinda the bestest. Maybes not like Kurts or Dales or Richie from back in dem older daze, but he kin do anythin he wants a be the goodest when duze what be he duze.

Sho nuff maw! Hey, theys be bouts ready to wavin the chekurd flag and get di race a goin. The pitcher on Charlottes new tv be purdy clears. 32 incher! Aint never seen so biggins a tvs, an one made herins in ourin countress, not some jap place. Oooh wee! Theres dey be a goin. Thinks maybes theys gunna bes lots uh crashin?

Joe Billy Tucker Bob, we aints comes hereins to see no crashins. Member how our guy Dale gots kilted here back when? Dam shame it was. Dales wasin the bests. Shame it was, en hisin car sho not lookins it hits dat wall hards enuff to kilt hims, but it did. Earl Ray nots gunna crashin. He our rasins hero now. He be from not far from heres in Wazoo. He be practical one of usins! Shame he caint have the confederals flag on hisin car. Thems dam commie stinkins they nozes in our biness agins! Maybe ourin guy can crek thats too. He gets him his wall, keep thems brown salvages outins our countres, and theys all be being drug cartwellers, rapsters and terrorizors.

Gee maw, paw be missins the races. Theys be tens lap on alreadees. What paw doin? Caint be smoks fur how long?

Ray Bob Bubba Billy Joe, nevers youins minds what yo paw be doins. He and Lester Monrow and Bubba Carl prolly drinkin shines in Lesters big F-150 en listin on radio.

Dam Maw, why paw drinks dats shine when Chalotte gots good hootchie right insides hereins?

Youins be dummer than ditch waters, boy. Paw caint afford to drinks Charlottes whisky fo fo hour. We luckies to have nuf to have the wing dings and some suds. He be being ecomonicatin out theres. He be gettins backs to hisin stool by lap hunnert. Race be two hunnert lap, rights? Just sits therres and sip yo suds, boy. I be goin for a smoke soons too.


*   *   *


Thats wuz one thrilzins racins, maw. Caint beeleeves ourin Guy McCoy has hisins engeen blow up on lap 27. Bad lucks all she was.

I gots to gets me backs to ourin shack and lays flat, boy. So goods yous kin be drivers you paw and me back to Burfurd Crik. Yous be watchins fur dat dam Wazoo traffikin cop. Go slow and eaze, boy. Paw be pass out in back uh hizzin truck.

Maw,  you furgettins whoin yo boy be? Itz Bob Ray Billy Joe Tucker, an eyze be be racin at Daytoner sum day. En eyez be winnings too. All dem too hunnert towsen peoples in them stands, cheers me on too. Like back when with Dale. Shit. Them commies kilted Dale back thens maw, I noze it. Like u be sed, he dead and bearly he hits dats wall. I bets them commie rigs his ride cuz he was the biggis bestet good ‘ol boy they was then. Commies hate us suthin folk and Dale was suthin as genral Lee. Them commies gonna pay fur it too. They gonna die whens ourin guy get HIZZIZ WALL BILTED!

Settling downs, boy. My heads en innerds be akins from the suds and greaszy dinggies I dune put down. But you be be right bout that wall. Keeps dem filthin brownskins outs of ourin countree. Thems jus wanna come herze and drug usins and rapsin usin and terrorizins anyones who not brown likins thems.

Donts youz be a worried maw. Ourin guy be purtektin usins.

He gunna gets him dats wall. And them brownskin be pays fur it.

Best we be goins, boy. Who wons the race? Thnkins I nodded off fur a whiles. All them cars goins roun and roun. Make yo heads a spinnin.

Not sure maw. Waits. Theys be intravooin him soon he get s his lid offin he head. Lissin up. The tv guy be bout to askin him…what? Maw, lookin this guy. He don’t much be lookin likes a goold ‘ol boy. What his name, what the tv guy be sayin his name..

And so, Daniel Suarez, you have made history today here at the Daytona five hundred by being the first Mexican born driver to take the checkered flag! You had a close call, almost hitting that wall on lap 163 but you pulled out. Great recovery. This must be a thrill for you. Oh, here’s yours wife, Benita, right? And your two little ones, Eduardo and Yelitza. Hey, all of you say hello to your American audience.

Maw! I be feelinz sick. Maw. Maw? Wake up maw. Maw. Miss Charlotte, my maw she…

I think she passed out. Best you be getting her home. But be mindful of Chester, cuz he’s on patrol today and he loves getting people from Bueford Creek tickets. Especially if they’re  under the influence. You’ll be in lock-up faster than grass goes through a goose. Right, Billy Bob? Joe Ray? what’s wrong? Don’t you puke on my bar. You do, and you and your folks ain’t welcome back here no more. It’s hard enough running this business these days. Glad that race is over. Making left turns for three hours. What a crazy world.




About jharrin4

mass communication/speech instructor at College of DuPage and Triton College in suburban Chicago. Army veteran of the Viet Nam era.
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