Mountain Sphere, Revisited

Zeldar from Zardoz here. I am, you might recall, an A.I. deep space life form, still moving around the universe in my Maximus Maximus, 250th generation, time-phased, reciprocal, reverse-parallel, logistically integrated, transitional contingency vehicle.  My recent accidental encounter with your mountain sphere is no accident this time. I am here intentionally, having been given clearance from my Supreme A.I. router to return and try to observe mountain sphere life forms. To do so, I have come down in a less remote area of sphere, one with smaller mountain types that are much less impressive but with a less hot atmosphere, and possibly some indications of living creatures who populate this place. 

You are still in the 6th extinction, my A.I. processing unit reminds me (recall I am able to instantaneously translate Zardozian into the indicated local primary language of your sphere. Zeldar hopes someone is receiving this acount who understands whatever language you are reading, although I’m always thinking in the proud Zardozian language). So, your mountain sphere is still going extinct, and as I said my router master urged me to try and contact a mountain life form that might be worthy of observation and analysis. Maybe better understand the causes of this extinction. Apparently, however, this extinction is–I believe the saying is in your language–a done deal. In Zardozian it would be “malsentientcy vilfazotafar kaputzianski”.

Me and my Maximus2 are both in stealth mode–what you might know as having the external cognito enshrouded. I am going to egress (that is a fancy mountain sphere word, no?) my Max 2 and cruise the wind currents for a short distance until I hear something that resembles language (which my A.I. processor is able to verify, as it knows approximately millions of radio wave mouth codes as close encounter explorations have been recorded and interpreted over eons of cruising the cosmos. Zardoz impresses, no?) Let’s start out into this lumpy landscape…

Zardoz sees mini-mountains and these have vertical growth life forms that mountain sphere mapping has been interpreted as “trees”. This place looks more colorful that my other landing encounter, which had a white to yellowish hue, but no color like these so-called trees. Green. Is that it? Zardoz sees small flying objects. Birds? Are these the dominant life forms? My A.I. processor strongly advises to keep cruising and insists more significant mountain sphere life forms will become visible (but remember, my cognito is enshrouded).

Zardoz internal mapping verification indicates these small land lumps are full of many smaller sphere life, although no distinct, organized sounds have been identified in the language listings. A.I. processor labels “chirps, “growls,” “hoots” and “screeching” as only possible language, but they are not–as far as Zeldar can tell–what would be determined “words”. 

Wait. Zeldar hears sounds that might be language. Not chirps, or hoots, growls or screech, but something different. I will go into insta-A.I. sound translator mode and search for a language match. Maybe I can detect an object that reveals the height of intelligence on this mini-mountain sphere land I have egressed into. Zeldar must record, as soon as I get closer. Zeldar is cruising and now can see a new object much better. It appears to be made of the same mountain sphere material called trees, as the color and surface area of the object appears to match the vertical life forms that are much more vertical than this not so vertical object. It is not very high but somewhat long. Zeldar must get closer. I am–according to my processor– not far away from close encounter. Zeldar now sees mountain sphere life forms in the front of this linear tree-like flattish object. These life forms have odd looking appearances. They are large in their middle areas with thin tentacles protruding from these large middles that hold them up and other tentacles above the middle that move as  well. Processor never has identified such life forms before. The objects on the ends of their non vertical tentacles that hold them upright are creating a fog or a haze from their tips. Processor indicates it is “smoke”. These odd life forms hold these fog emitting objects up to their rounded top ends and do something that makes the tips of these objects glow and then create more fog. I am getting closer now. Is this a language my A.I. processor can verify? These creatures are emitting odd sounds…Zeldar will record  and send to insta-identifier:

Geeze Maw! Why cants I takes paws gun to kill us some possums for viddles? I sho do am be a hungered. When paw be being comins backs from Maynerd? Iffins we gots to be being a waitin on hissin we aint no nevers gunna be being eats. Wazoo snack shop already be being not opens not any no more.

Ray Bob Joe Tucker Billy Rae, I dones beens toldens youins paw be comins soons he be completsins thems papers that he be being neddin for ourins food stomps. He say we be qualerfried fur em, sincin he be duns gottins let off by the tracker factry cuzins them taroffs done be makes the factry be shuts. And puts dat cigret outs. Been dun telled youins you be being too youngins to smokes.

Aw, maw. I like ta smokes, but fines. I kin paws twenny to six shooters and pop a possum in no times at alls. By time paw gettins back we be havins possum stews. Hot diggity, maws, whaddya be says?

Ray Joe Billy Bob Lester Monroe Scraggins, youins guns ta make yo maw takes my cass arn skillets to yo thicks skulls yo be being gettins on my nervousnesses.

Dam maw. I be hungered nufs to grub on sum roads kills. Thinks a coon done gots gone flat by a truck up da rode nots afarin.

Tucker Bob Billy Joe Rae, paw gettins thems grub stumps to takes to the genral store in Wazoo and he be brings backin some fingers licks grub. 

Dam maw, why ourins guy do dem tardriffs and makes the factry shuts? I be being a wondered maybes ourins guy aints ourin guy affer all. We done be being never not say bad bout em, but we wursins now thans befirs he done be got lected. 

Boy, youin besssins nots be says no bad nuttins bout ourins guy. He outsmartins thems commies wantins to impreach hims. Yous just waits and viddy hows he be being on ourins side. Paw and mes be stills trussin hims. We gots be paysense. Dunt says he nots be being ons  ourins sides.

Maw, I been be being paysense wits em. Just be sayins…weze bees dirts pour. He seds he gunna brings works to usins poourins foke. Whens he be being gunna do its?

Joe Don Lonney Tucker Rae Bubba duz yo hearins sumpin movin bouts outs theres by thems trees? I do gots a dat feelins in my bonz sumpin be viddyin usins.

Yeah, maw. I hears sumpin. Buts caint sees nuttin. Prolly just ones uh dems coons a strolls fir its grub. We alls be hungered. I kin gets paws pissel and goes a hunts on it.


Zeldar has transmitted enough of this strange language from these mini-mountain creatures. A.I. processor cannot identify. Processor will file this odd form of co-creature communication as confusing product of mass extinction effect. Command A.I. wants Zeldar to leave here. Now. Official designation of mountain sphere is: Unworthy of further observation. Router wants Maximus to try new object in different galaxy. It is certain smarter life forms out there than this. Processor labels this language as “gibberish”.  Gobbledeegook. Assumes all mountain sphere creatures  with fog sticks speak same primitive language. 

Processor determines that mass extinction most certainly what is best for this most strange place.

Zeldar leaves now. My A.I. internals needs refreshing. Zardoz has no coons to consume. Just bits and bytes. Zeldar hungry for data worth a damn. Goodbye, strange mountain sphere and your strange jibbering, hooting, screeching, chirping, growling life forms.  Enjoy your extinction. It is, as I noted in my first visit, what mountain sphere must want. 

Maw and Paw and Rae Joe Billy Bob are strong proof of that.







About jharrin4

mass communication/speech instructor at College of DuPage and Triton College in suburban Chicago. Army veteran of the Viet Nam era.
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2 Responses to Mountain Sphere, Revisited

  1. “I be being a wondered maybes ourins guy aints ourin guy affer all. ”

    Nah. They’ll never figure out that ‘our guy’ doesn’t care two twits for any of them.


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