Well, well. People of Earth, how are we doing on this Memorial Day, 2020? No, this is not Zeldar from Zardoz. I am a human, sentient being, born on this Mountain Sphere, as Zeldar has taken to calling it.  He–it–refuses to come back here anymore, preferring to stay near home on planet Zardoz, having concluded a few visits ago that Mountain Sphere people are too baffling to bother with any longer. You know, a “does not compute” endgame. How do I know these things? I just know. Call it my blogger’s intuition. I do have a feel for Zeldar’s A.I. “mind”-set, since after all, the few times he/it/she? it has dropped-in, its this blog that the Zelster has used to share A.I. analysis. So, suffice to say, if anyone has insight into our visitor from afar far far away, it is I, who owns the content that appears here. And I say he/she/it/whatever is not coming back. But I have always dug that “People of Earth” salutation as it emanated from those great 1950s sci-fi flicks that had all kind of aliens taken residence here, mostly with evil intent. And that”we come in peace” assertion always turns out to be a bait-and-switch strategy. Evil abounds, and is boundless when it comes from space. Deep space. Mind you, I’m not talking that mushy Spielberg kind of sci-fi. Well made and great effects, sure, but it tried too hard to make nice with the space invader narrative. I mean c’mon.  Alien invasion needs a villainous mojo to grip a audience, not some gooey eyed, E.T. kumbaya outcome. They are MONSTER movies, right? You need a good monster. And we still have no ideas of what other life forms may be out there–and remember Zeldar is invisible, anyway, so he doesn’t count. But again, if anyone knows about Zeldar, it’s Joey Bag-a-Donut Holes here, okay? If you have a problem wit dat, then cancel your subscription and tune in to Alex Jones or Ann Coulter for your edification and don’t let me see you hanging around my blog again okay? 

Wait. Where was I?

1950s sci-fi. Classic stuff! The War of the Worlds, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, The Thing from Another World, Radar Men from the Moon, and of course, Abbot and Costello Go to Mars. Okay, that last one is me trying to lighten things up. Wait. Lighten things up? From what? I have no idea where this blog post is even going. Uh, buffering. Searching…

I got it! I just realized it’s about Monsters. Zeldar could have been a monster but those visits were meant as research, not search and destroy. Zeldar is essentially am A.I scientist, collecting data. Trying to understand the Moutain Sphere inhabitants. Which was an impossible task, clearly. We humans are one crazy ass species. When Zeldar happened upon Maw and Paw down in Wazoo City, the research algorithms went to circuit overload/shut down repeatedly. By the way, I’ve been trying to get Maw and Paw to leave their shack in Wazoo and share their thoughts again. Ray Joe Billy Bob Tucker. What a family.  But ya know, they don’t seem to get out much. Paw sure does get out a lot though, seeing as when the Scroggins clan is occupying space here, Paw has yet to ever once show his face. I’ll bet he’s down in Hempter right now, at the Sack-O-Suds Saloon.  

Wait. Right. Monsters. So, what monster is stalking humankind on this day. I bet you think I’m going to bring up you-know-what, but I’m not. The you-know-what isn’t a monster from deep space. It came from Mountain Sphere. It, like most of the gizmos we buy, came from China. Some human decided to eat some critter bought in a so-called “open market” that, according to the backtracking on this Chinese export, had been contaminated by a bat. But it began by a human being making a really bad choice of dining options. It has happened before. Animal to human contagion. But I consider you-know-what a product of the same baffling behavior that confronted Zeldar. 

It’s kinda like a sci-fi monster movie now. As a matter of fact, you-know-what conforms almost exactly to a 2008 fictional movie entitled Contagion. Life imitating art, or so its seems. Hmm. Now that I think about it, that movie seems to have predicted you-know-what, right down to the bat contaminating a pig, and then a chef buys the pig at some wild animal market and then Gwyneth Paltrow shakes hands with chef who just wiped his bloody-from-butchering-that-hapless-pig and then heads home unwittingly all funked up and–well, you get the drift? So, Maybe you-know-what was started by Scott Z.  Burns, who wrote the story. Okay, maybe that’s a stretch. When I’m finished here I’ll spread the Scott Z. theory, offering it up to Alex Jones and Ann Coulter. The Kardasians might be totally on-board with this, so them too.

Alright then, let’s get to the point here. Right. Monsters. This is a monster story. The same as the alien invasion nightmare scenarios that pit humans against creatures from deep space, except the monster here is…is…humans! Not all humans. But in this 21st century world, it doesn’t take anywhere near a majority of humans to create hell and havoc for the whole misbegotten lot of our species. Just enough who are–I think the precise clinical term is–RETARDED. They have brains that were fried inside the womb, and then grew up as TARDS. Some have been able to get enough fellow TARDS to get them into high office. And when I say these humans are RETARDED as far as using that space between their ears, I can think of no better term. 

Retarded: adjective. Less advanced in mental, physical, or social development than is usual for one’s age. Immoral. Offensive. Very foolish or stupid.

Zeldar, I do believe, can be accused of a sweeping generalization when its computations denoted Mountain Sphere to be inhabited exclusively by an inscrutably perplexing–yet not very complex life form that made no sense in its observable behavior. I, for one, take umbrage that Zeldar would lump me in with all of humankind that it deemed unworthy of even trying to figure out. I mean, I can understand the conclusion based on the unfortunate encounter with the Maw and Paws of Wazoo, but that was just an unlucky landing spot for its invisible presence. Then again, the RETARDS populate many spots on Mountain Sphere. It is now a matter of humans who can think and chew gum at the same time (or chewing tobacco in the case of Wazoo-ians, but when they be being a chewing and a spittin that tobaccy juice into a spittel pot, they kinda tip their hands as far not having the brains to choose not to chew) and those that can’t. Yeah, those TARDS. Forget the TARD’s propensity to pick other TARDS to tell them how to use the brains they don’t functionally have, because the Alpha Tards are very few in number. However, they have a teeming legion of TARDS who take their cues from them. And right now these TARDS are being used to further empower their Alpha Tard handlers while very likely exposing themselves to you-know-what, and maybe even dying from you-know-what, or spreading you-know what to others, others who may, like Gwyneth Paltrow in Contagion, get exposed to a TARD who shows up protesting against reality, essentially. Some carry assault weapons, Confederate flags, even Nazi apparel. 

There you have the modern day MONSTERS who, like in those classic evil alien sci-fi movies are defeated either by the force of firepower–but more smartly than armed confrontation would be the scientific solution. And science is going to have the last say in the matter of you-know-what. It is inevitable. It has various possible outcomes.

The science is impossible to deny. It says magical thinking by morons won’t save humankind. It’ll be the cause and effects that clearly dictates the smart way out of this mess. 

Rational behavior. What a concept, eh? 

Excuse me, but I’m going to distract myself by watching War of the Worlds again. The Martians seem invincible, indestructible. But what finishes them off? Earth born bacteria, of which their immune systems can’t cope with. Hmm. bacteria. Immune systems. Cause and effect. Maybe you-know-what  is counting on those whose brains never developed giving it immunity from from whatever science can throw at it. Right now, according to the data, the Tard Monsters are aiding and abetting the very thing that can only win if enough of them are allowed to deny reality.

Zeldar! Come back. Maw and Paw have reproduced and are spreading. I just know you can find an A.I. way to defeat these monsters. Seriously, then we’ll name some silicon valley operations after you. We’ll throw a parade for you, and be able to come out and enjoy the celebration and not be afraid anymore.

In the meantime, the you-know-what has become a panDumbic…




















About jharrin4

mass communication/speech instructor at College of DuPage and Triton College in suburban Chicago. Army veteran of the Viet Nam era.
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2 Responses to Pandumbic!

  1. Here is a short video, not science fiction, that should scare the Bee-Jesus out of you. Our ‘great leader’ figures that since he hasn’t golfed for almost THREE MONTHS that this weekend is the correct time to go. After all, he has been working SO hard. The poor fellow needs a rest away from eating, watching TV and occasionally visiting places where he can tell others that taking Hydroychloroquine and Clorox will fix all of your ills.

    Responsibility for the massive numbers of dead and ill must be laid at the feet of a president who ignored the threat until it was too late, who failed to mount an adequate response and who still, after so many lonely deaths and socially distanced funerals, insists that the enemy will somehow just magically disappear.
    President Trump played golf on May 24, during Memorial Day weekend at his club in the Washington D.C. suburbs.
    The long Memorial Day weekend gave the pandemic an indelible visual image: President Trump, wearing a ball cap but no mask, enjoying himself on his Northern Virginia golf course. Last week, you will recall, Trump declared it was “essential” that Americans be able to spend Sunday at church services. He chose to head for the links instead.


  2. Witty, creative and laced with dark humor about you-know-what — simply superb!


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