In Search Of

When you’re young and begin thinking about life as it forms and informs you, and not in the least understanding all the feelings and forces of being alive, you have entered into a mystery world. What is it?

When you’re young and now yearning to grasp IT, there is no guidebook. Other than the personal one that is written all at once both confounding and crystal clear. Each is one’s own author. To ask to read and act upon another’s guidebook is sheer folly, an invitation of imitation, inauthenticity, of insincerity.

When you’re young, whether acted upon or not, IT will occupy your universe. You will have to choose to act or not act. Day after day after day. Your playbook’s author may be bold or blocked. Regardless, the feeling remains intense. Unblock. Embolden. Or go a bit batty grappling with IT.

When you’re young, and blocked or bold, IT taunts and teases. And when you’re young finding ITS fulfillment becomes an everlasting certitude.

Whatever IT is, or wherever IT may reside. IT is your container. IT is you. Your youthfulness may or may not use IT wisely.

Then

When you’re suddenly (seemingly so) not-so-young, the guidebook’s pages autofill with retrospective and lots of empty spaces. IT was there, then. Then IT wasn’t. What was IT? How did you lose IT? Did you actually ever have IT? Perhaps IT was never really there. IT was but IT was wasn’t. Look closer at the pages of that book. Seeing is believing but just in case believing can be seeing. Perception is reality. Fill in that empty space. You know you need to. The guidebook is a fluctuating state of mind. Maybe mindfulness. Maybe mindlessness.

When you’re not-so-young, now of a peculiarly very particular, crooked age, you might have a clearer picture of IT or get lost in cluttered confusion.. That once-when-you-were-young yearning for a forever IT was a foolish but inevitable folly. What were you thinking? Should have. Could have. Did. Didn’t. You want–still– to sort IT out.

Now, you boldly invest in the most of the least of any moment. You now sense an understanding of IT. IT is only time. Your lifetime. Life=time. Time=life. Whatever unknowable portion of IT one may be granted.

About jharrin4

mass communication/speech instructor at College of DuPage and Triton College in suburban Chicago. Army veteran of the Viet Nam era.
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