Red, White and Not Too Bright; Benedict Donald and the Pod People

Say Maw. Whad time we be gonna get on to where we spoze to vote Tuesday? I sure duz be esighted it being mys first oppatune to have my say what needs be still be happnin in dis here yousessays of Amrica.

Damn you Billy Joe Ray Bob, how many times I gots to esplane it to yourns thick skulled hay-ed? In the aftranoon, bout two. We bee drivin to Wazoo down past the fillin station on road foudy fo to the elmentry school, Jefferson Davies, where yo cuzzin Ezekeeal  had went to. We be meetin his maw and paw in its park lot, and wez all a gonna vote for our guy and all else who be runnin aside him heres and theres, helpins peoples likins us.

Maw, damn, it bes my furst time like I done sed, so I aints being have no mamry of wherez it at. You noze I be workin round heres all dayz, aint been nowhears since we move inna dis hears place two year back. Well, sep for up by Tucker crik, fishin for cat.  Caint wait to do mys part helpin get our guy mors sport so he kin be gittin Amrika bestest agins. Hey, is them skittles bout dune?, cuz I be hankrin for some eats maw. Smell rite good, mmmm.

Joe Ray. Youz gonna be fed soon. Where yo paw? Aint he be up yets? Hims, Travis, Waylon, Gunner, Hiram, Ryker, them boys comin too. 

Hot diggity damn, maw! We gunna stop at sack uh suds afferwords?  Theys allsways some cutes phillies hangin theres, bouts my age. Ella-Mae, Dolly and Willadeene all goes theres lots.

Settle downs boy, you gots no time for flirtin them girls. They boyfrens kick that cracker ass of yourins they sees you eyeballin whats they momma gave em. Pleny time aheads for you to finds a woman, Rob Bob Joe Billy.

Pleny time? Maw, i ateteen nows. I be feelin it time ready for mes to reels in a fine ol ketch. Ateteen an a votin, too. Hot damn.

Befores you go a reelin in sum Scarlet or Emmilene or Maybelle, you gots sponsibles raght heres. Those perdy thangs alls be takin up anyhows. Yourins time a comin, Ray Joe Bob. A thang at a time. Now wheres yoourin paw? PORTER! PORTER! Will you be gettin dat ass of yourins downs and eat some viddles!

*     *     *

Show enuf votin was nuttin, Maw. Maybe paw bes ables to vote iffin he sobers by sevens when doors be shuttin at Jeff Davies. They was a few of them commie types I been told bout. Theys not be gittin any votes from the liks of usins, eh maw! They and them wantin the govment to be runnin ourins lifes. But I bettin our guy aint a gonna luze no sport en he cans keep help making amrica the bestest. Keep thems rapesters and drugsters and terrrizins kinds out our mahty fines cuntrys. Wishin we cuuda went in to sack uh suds , tho.

Ray Bob Billy Bob Joe, I wishin cudda toos. But my soulsal secured chek aint due til week more. And food stemps too. Sho wood be hard to makes it round heres if thems cheks wasn’t comin. Whens theys duze be come wes be cellbratin at suds.

Woowee, maw! I caints wates.

Cuzzin Lester comes week nects, as long as it aint be raynin hard agins. Last one was a frog strangler! Stormes be gettin worser an worser lass years or five. Might mess up my gettin thems cheks. Not mentchin my docs appoit times. God bless dat mediricare. Got that ake in my hip and uh hitch in mys step. Caint ford no doc with no medricare. We so poor caint evens pay attenchin!

But donts you a be worry Bob Ray Joe Billy. Whens tem votes be countin, our guy be doin more betters yet. Makin dis herein cuntry more bestest and bestest, an keepin them caravines from infestin what bein ours. Aint no govment gonna be messin with ourin kind. Thems commies and caravines. Thems not winnin no ballots and mess up the good times we be havin with our guy and his bunch. Them commies. Can smeels em a miles way. Stink nuf to gag a maggot. Not to mension thinks they shit taste likins sherbert.

Yeps maw. Whens they done couts dem votes, we all be happy as ol’ Blue layin rounds ourins porch, chewin on one tems catfish heahds…

Gods blessin us, Ray Billy Joe Bubba Bob boy! We too smarts to fall for thems commie triks.








About jharrin4

mass communication/speech instructor at College of DuPage and Triton College in suburban Chicago. Army veteran of the Viet Nam era.
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1 Response to Red, White and Not Too Bright; Benedict Donald and the Pod People

  1. A pleasure to read and all too true!


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