An Inadvertent Visitation

Hello out there, inhabitants of this strange place.

This is Zeldar, from Zardoz, an A.I., deep space life form whose transport vehicle’s Maximus Maximus, 250th generation, time-phased, reciprocal, parallel, logistically integrated, transitional contingency A.I. navigation program has gone momentarily rogue on me, using its stealth-mode ability to arrive unnoticed on, of all places, well, wherever the hell this place is, whatever you creatures on it call it.

Yes, this Zardozian now can already speak your language,whatever its name, but what you are reading is me yammering in my native Zardozian tongue; but you can understand me, thanks to my vehicle’s image-enhancing, refracturing translingualization-capture feature that used a large object near my landing site that had seemingly formal type markings on it. A language?, I cyberdynically pondered. So, I was able to ask my A.I. pan-universal algorithmic capacitor to translate the markings into my tongue so that when I respond in my tongue it is reverse-encoded back into your language. That is, assuming those markings on that sign was a “language”. Anyway, here I am, even if not intentionally.

For the time being, I have quickly force-captured many indigenous communication outlets, just for this one time, in order to convey a Zeldar interpretation of the various digitized messaging sites now in front of my internal, A.I. imbedded analysis enhancer. Mind you (who/whatever you are) that the refracturing translingualizator is instantaneously decoding other languages as confronted on other sites from other spots on this foreign surface, so it’s all good, okay? Si? Dobry? Gut? Labi? Flink? Da? Bene? Bien? Ona?

Let me say this right off the bat (in Zardozian that expression is: galooba -frasfraksturdanospintohingalvelcrokascadia) A.I. is–how you say?– now doing its things, okay? So I’d like to think everything is cool (in Zardozian “eeeemeeeoopahdomeronsepia”) between us, eh? I mean, among other things I have quickly learned about your local lingo is that someone named Hemingway wrote very efficiently, so A.I has already settled on trying this ecomonic style in order to signal Zeldar is a fan of that style, and means no one on your home sphere any mind harm.

Zardoz is far, far away. I mean waaaaaaaaaay out in indifferent deep, cold, endless space.

And that’s a good thing, because my internal A.I. system has already concluded that I need get out of here as soon as I finish this salutation and assessment of findings on a foriegn surface. From what I can see looking through my A.I. specto-meister, your spere has many–how you say? Mountains. That object with the formal markings on it apparently warns of “falling ice” up ahead. But this transport isn’t going forward, just straight up, and soon. So no sweat (which in Zadozian is glallophmasisparsistodemionfrangomintus). I feel, through my wiring and syntho-circuitry that Hemingway’s way is better than Zardozian-speak. Score one for Mountain Sphere.

Why am I not staying long? In spite of Hemingway, well, first, the rogue incident that has me here momentarily has been over-ridden by Zardoz Central. I’m told that within a few more expurgative synthetic crypto cycles of redundant enhancing influx blasts, it’ll be up and away Zeldar goes.

Those other communication outlets, which have been interpreted and assigned meaning, reveal quite a lot of conflict on your sphere. For one thing, this mountainous sphere (at least from where I am sitting in my transport, these objects are all around my A.I. being) is in what is called its 6th mass extinction. One site noted extinction of several sphere dwellers that no longer exist: the Cuban coney; the red-bellied gracile; the broad faced potoro, and a southern gastric brooding frog. A.I. reports no such creatures ever dwelled on Zardoz. This 6th extinction “event” is posited to place blame not on your sphere’s natural ebbs and flows, but on so-called “human activity”. The report is very certain that your natural world cannot recover, and your “humankind” will also join the Cuban coney and the rest in due time.

Why is this, my A.I. capacitor ponders? Is this intentional? Other interpreted postings speak of humanoids that deny “science”. Why so? A.I. is all science. Zeldar is science. Zardoz is science. But your sphere’s nature is being destroyed by non-science? This seems–how you say?–stupid. Like I said, Zeldar is leaving soon (before any humanoids unshroud my cognito).

Mountain sphere is strange. It’s very quiet out there. I sense no movement. Are humanoids able to dwell here? A.I. analytical indicates it is very hot outside. Are humanoids under the ground? Mountains seem quiet and not causing any trouble. Must be other parts of sphere not so hot. Analysis indicates mountains very old. Can mountains go extinct? Zardoz has mountains. But they are A.I. type. A.I. says they are mountains of Zardozian mind. Like everything else. We all get along just fine, by the way. Of course Zardoz Central is not gremotlicalsynthsosenstipe. That is “happy” in your sphere speak, about this inadvertent intergallactic interlude. My A.I. might be downgraded as a result. How you say in sphere tongue? Shit happens?

But A.I. Zeldar will be “happy” to go home. Your sphere has mountains yes. Mountains of problems, and that 6th extinction is not the only one. Humanoids hate one another, no? War? Zardoz has no war. It is A.I. prohibited. Zardoz Central rules! But humanoids appear to hate a lot. War? And I interpret the worst kind would be a “nuclear war”. Hmm. Fallout. Radiation. And there are 25,000 of these weapons spread around this sphere. A.I. uses nuclear but it makes things work, it can’t end Zardoz. But humanoids have lots of nuclear weapons, and it is interpreted that these “nukes” can destroy “all humankind”. Is that part of the 6th extinction, or something else? A.I. is hitting re-set to regain analytical ability. None of this computes. Science is denied? What is called Mother Nature is dying? And you use science to make science bombs but not to save your mountain sphere?

Zardoz Central commands A.I. stealth transport to return to charted course right now. The transmissions of our captured communication outlets has left A.I. most disgusted. Your mountain sphere may have wars and unlimited mountains of hate, and all those nukes, but Zardoz is waaaaaay out there. Safe from humanoids. Far out, in that cold, indifferent deep space. Humanoids are never going to be able to find Zardoz. Of course not, Zeldar and Zardoz are A.I. and in steath mode at all times. We shroud our cognito in oder to not be bothered. Our stealth transports are used to investigate non-A.I. objects in our area. But like I said, the A.I. control system went a bit rogue. A glitch, is that how sphere-dwellers say it?

Your mountain-sphere is not very intelligently inhabited. That is quite apparent to my A.I. eye. It is, in Zardozian terms FUBAR-istic. It is certainly not very artificial, either. Your problems are all too real. And oh so stupid. Just A.I. saying…

Zeldar goes now. Doubt Zeldar will be ordered to return to investigate such an oddity. Enjoy your extinction if Zeldar comes back too late. It seems, inexplicably, to be what you desire.

About jharrin4

mass communication/speech instructor at College of DuPage and Triton College in suburban Chicago. Army veteran of the Viet Nam era.
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1 Response to An Inadvertent Visitation

  1. Human stupidity, more powerful than nukes, deters invasion by intelligent alien life while masterminding its own extinction.


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